Sundays used to overwhelm me. I used to feel this impending doom as my weekend was coming to an end, as it mostly meant that I needed to attempt to stop drinking for a few days. In recent years, Sunday implied the start of a new week, and in my mind that indicated the need to reset my body. I would need to try to prove to myself (and to my husband) that alcohol wasn't a problem for me, and I needed to try with all my energy not to drink for a few days. Sometimes I would tell myself, "Take Sunday and Monday nights off!"
It literally took all of my strength not to do this, and more times than not I failed. Sometimes I think I drank enough on Saturday night just to try to get me through to Tuesday, as if I wanted to consume enough alcohol so that maybe it would linger and stay in my system for a few days. Or maybe if I gave myself a bad enough hangover on Sunday I wouldn't want to drink for a while. It never worked.
I would wake up Sunday with the absolute worst hangxiety. Hangxiety was the feelings of being incredibly anxious after a night of heavy drinking. It is basically caused by: dehydration, depressive effects of the drug, an imbalance of dopamine and serotonin and a decrease in endorphin levels.
My mood was always all over the place, and I craved alcohol even more just to move past those awful hangovers. Some people hated Sunday afternoons, because they dreaded having to go to work the next day. I dreaded having to say goodbye to the weekend and the end of my license to drink. Sometimes, I didn't even make it to the end of Sunday without pouring myself a glass of wine.
I also hated being alone with the self loathing, shameful thoughts on Monday mornings after the kids headed out to school and Evan went to work. I used to sit alone, willing my hangover to pass, trying to forgive myself for the mistakes I made over the weekend. "Why couldn't you make it until Wednesday without a drink? What the hell is wrong with you?" I would scream at myself in the mirror.
It is such a blessing to wake up every single morning with a fresh, positive outlook - simply knowing I didn't drink the night before. Never having to berate myself. I can go into my day confidently, knowing that I am doing the best I can for my kids, myself and my husband. I am happy.
Sundays are no longer scary. And I savor Mondays now, approaching them with curiosity and peace. I look forward to a productive start of the week, no longer wondering how many days I will make it this week without drinking. Alcohol no longer controls me.
And here is a picture of one of the many activities that I did on this Sunday, as weekends are devoted to watching my kids play sports - not hungover, drunk or thinking about booze.
